Updated: May 30
I have found myself recently caught in the grasp of the past. Looking back with longing at the dreams, ideas and hopes that have shifted and changed.
How can we grieve the lives not lived, the butterfly effect of the paths we didn't take.
It's odd how this has felt so present recently. I've done so much healing and growth, and deep diving into the space of compassion. But sometimes when we are faced with decision, the past becomes rather more like the present.
I am caught in a space of limbo, not sure where to turn. The new Moon sees me, and is asking me, really to let go, wipe the slate clear and start again. I am getting clear messages to live life as authentically as I one can. To lean into life, for it is short and a gift. To enjoy every season as it turns, evolves and changes.
As, I mentioned here before, fear is probably my biggest 'demon' at times, of course, it can be useful. But on the harder days it talks with a heavy tone, using the word 'should' multiple times, 'why' gets thrown about, and on really tricky days 'not enough' gets hurled into the space by fear.
How can we be brave, when we have been bruised? Can we step into the space again, with trust, belief and strength. I think I am waiting for my gut instinct to kick in(luckily, so often it does). But at the minute, I'm trying to be patient. Let things unfold and evolve of their own accord. Which can also feel a bit like being stuck in the mud..
'Why isn't there a crystal ball or fairy godmother'... I squeak as fear rumbles in my heart and belly. Could someone just swoop down and tell me what to do please.
I'm sure you can relate, those periods of time that are full of pregnant pauses, of the mind wandering to solve the questions. Of transitions, that are perhaps taking a little longer than desired, to yes, transition.
Maybe it's also getting older, things feel more serious and like we have less time to mess things up, I have changed career only once, and it felt like a smooth transition, not necessarily easy, but right. How do you feel about change and transitions?
Does fear pull at the back of your mind, muddy your thoughts?
Ahh yes, the brain.... The more I learn about it, the more it fascinates me, fear is linked to the Amygdala. It triggers a person's fight-or-flight response. This leads to the release of hormones that prepare the body to fight the source of danger or flee from it. Amygdala hijack occurs when the amygdala activates the fight-or-flight response when there is no serious threat to a person's safety. And this can happen just from thinking scary things, fearful things... it draws us away from the prefrontal cortex, the front part of the frontal lobe. This brain region has been implicated in planning complex cognitive behavior, personality expression, decision making, and moderating social behaviour. The basic activity of this brain region is considered to be orchestration of thoughts and actions in accordance with internal goals, so basically the part that is calm and helps us make decisions when we are quaking in our boots!
I also thought about the Pineal gland, which is linked to the third eye, and often activated when practicing pranayama, such as Nadi Shodhana. Plus stimualted during Sound work, I often get a strong tingling across the front of the head and my brain seems to let out an exhale when I go to a soundbath. The Pineal gland The pineal gland produces several hormones. One of these, melatonin, helps regulate the body’s internal clock, including the sleep-wake cycle. The pineal gland may also help regulate female hormone levels and contribute to cardiovascular health and mood stability.
I also notice that I see ahead with more clarity and calm after meditation, yoga or sound. My past isn't yelling at me quite as much, I have a little more optimism and hope. I feel myself grasping onto hope, calling for it to pull me up, lift my heart and spirit.
So, this New Moon, another calling of letting go. Asking myself what I need to do, what I want, and whether I can do it. I guess there is a darkness around the time of the New moon, things might not be illuminated, so it's time to set the intention to remove obstacles, so that we might see clearly when she shines brightly in the next week or so....
Something to ponder. is WHY. ask yourself why. you can throw this at any aspect of your life(if you dare) and see what comes up, for behind the why is truth and perhaps an answer. Also, I invite you to reflect on your community and as the teachings of yoga suggest, how can I be of service(this is not at the expense of yourself but as an important cog in the wheel of your life). This journey of wellness, is about the I, but also about the us.
New Moon blessings this Spring everyone.