I have been trying for a while to get into the habit of writing blog posts, that are honest, open, insightful and hopefully comforting.
I sometimes stop myself from sharing, a couple of months ago I was hell bent on a podcast, but the ‘not enough’ jitters got the better of me, and time seems to be slipping through my fingers like no one’s business.
So many people like me are shocked we are nearly in December, how did that happen? Why is time appearing to move so quickly?
Is it because we are all busy, spinning the plates of life, trying to have it all but at the same time feeling like we have nothing. When the diary is crammed there’s a looming sense of exhausting that undermines each moment we spent shooting at lightning speed through this gifted life we’ve been given.
I don’t mean to write in a heavy way, but perhaps that’s what I need to share today.
The past seems to be firmly lodged behind us, I don’t feel there is much space for conversation about what we all went through the last few years, I know, there’s a need to move on, but I think there’s also space to reflect and realise that things aren’t the same. And we are all still really rather tired. I think life has been challenging for so many, I’ve seen it on my clients faces as they come into the space for a sound healing. The need to be held, seen, witnessed, to let tears flow, hearts soften, sleep to be encouraged.
My practice has felt like a plaster the last few months. I have suffered with my health, a dodgy tooth filling gone wrong impacted my health and wellbeing for over 6 weeks. Did I grant myself compassion and kindness, not straight away no… I scolded myself for failing to be a super healthy Gwyneth Paltrow super hero yogi. I advertise wellness, why on earth can’t my body fight this infection and swelling. Surely, if I keep on downing the smoothies made from cold Broccoli I can kick anything(slight exaggeration of the truth here, I’m pretty sure I put more tasty things in said smoothies, that is when I actually make a smoothie).
Then. I sat. I chose to meditate on it. I leaned towards mindfulness and the RAIN method by Tara Brach. And I let a breath go, I shed a few tears, and I found a voice that was comforting. ‘You’ve had the most stressful three years of your life’ ‘Of course your immune system is low’ ‘You’re doing so well’ ‘Body, what do you need? I need rest. I need sleep.’ As I let go of the pushing, the trance of action we are sold again and again in the West. I found care, I found the time. I had to let things go, cancel plans, cut myself some slack.
And no, the leafy greens didn’t cure the infection, some really hardcore antibiotics did. Which I hate taking, but I’m grateful they are there. To help heal me, when I wasn’t able to.
I’m not really making one clear point in this post. I can feel my brain spreading out on the page, a soupy mess of words and thoughts.
Sometimes I’m sure I’m just saying the same thing, but in different ways. But perhaps that’s ok.
How do we find more kindness, in a world that feels incredible tough at the minute. How can we find compassion, when we live in a capitalist society that states everything must be earnt. ‘Have I earnt the rest’ ‘have I made enough to let go and be’…. In order to find deep rest. We must try and find peace.
I can’t always manage it, and sadly, this year it’s been rather illusive for me. But I again, cut myself some slack. I look for MOMENTS of peace. In the embrace of a best friend or partner. In a view from the top of a hill. On the dance floor, shimmying to a disco track. I mean, to find moments, sober(no judgement here, just a belief that if we find things sober then we can catch ourselves when times get tough), that you have cultivated. That let you hear the quiet whisper of the heart. The deeper part of ourselves that gets drowned out by the fear, worry, pressure, news, noise and heaviness.
In an ideal world, I would be drifting about in a kaftan, with a fridge stocked full of organic goods. Drinking my green juices, and thinking abundantly. I know I can do that, and by golly I try. But I am human. I strive, I try but life also happens. I have encountered the depths and suddenly abyss of grief, I have closed businesses, started new ones, stopped singing, started singing. Ended relationships, gone to therapy, not gone to therapy. So yes. LIFE. It is happening to us all the time. So it’s ok, if I’m not wafting about avoiding sugar and connecting to the divine every 15 minutes. But I am trying my best. I try to get outside and into nature. I try to do a daily yoga practice or meditation. I try to let my heart open and soften. I try to eat well. I try to get to 2 soundbaths a month. But maybe it’s also ok to know, that we are all trying and when we let go of perfectionism, we can let go of some of the stuff. The pressure.
I’m not saying f**k it. Give up. Eat chips and lie down. Quite the opposite. Strive to fill your life with health and joy. But sometimes we are just surviving. And doing what we can.
I am grateful to the holistic world. To yoga, meditation, and sound. I’m not quite sure I would’ve made it through the last few years without the tool kit of wellness.
I hope my ramble has made you feel less alone, and there are some nuggets of truth that help encourage and lift you. I’ll keep on trying to share, in an honest way.
Take care of you and hopefully see you very soon,